The Song of Songs describes the love between a young man and woman even before their betrothal, and certainly before their marriage. Naturally, the full expression of this love will come only after the formal stages of engagement, betrothal, and marriage according to the laws of Moses and Israel—and from that point, with God's help, the love will only deepen and grow. However, even before these stages, there exists a fundamental and natural bond between the couple, which the Torah seeks to formalize and sanctify.
The initial bond between a couple can manifest as an encompassing light, a connection that arises from the perception of those around them who recognize a match between a boy and a girl (or even between children) and 'determine' that they are destined to marry. Alternatively, it can be an internal light, a bond that comes from the inner sense of attraction and affinity that a boy and girl feel towards each other. These two types of bonds are evident in the marriage of our patriarch Jacob, "the choicest of the patriarchs" to our matriarch Rachel, the "mainstay of the house," through whom Jacob establishes the tribes of Israel. From a young age, people would say that Rachel, the younger daughter of Lavan, was destined for Jacob, the younger son of Rebecca, Lavan's sister ("the younger for the younger"). And when Jacob and Rachel met, there was an immediate 'love at first sight'—a connection that preceded their actual marriage by more than seven years.
In Jewish law, the concept of affinity refers to the bond that exists between a yebama (a widow without children) and her future yabam (her deceased husband's brother) before the actual yibum (levirate marriage) takes place, or before chalitzah (the ritual that severs the bond). In a broader sense, this affinity represents the secret connection that exists between every bride and groom even before they marry and consummate their love. Specifically in yibum, where the bond is imposed from above—under tragic and incomprehensible circumstances—it is emphasized that this connection transcends reason and understanding. Unlike marriage, where the consent of the bride and groom is required, yibum is valid even if it is performed without their consent.
This type of connection also appears, in a spiritual sense, in the building of the House of Israel by our patriarch Jacob. Our matriarch Leah, who was originally destined for Esau (“the elder for the elder”), rejected marriage to a wicked man like him. Since “a wicked person is considered as dead,” she was intended for yibum by Jacob, Esau’s brother. She was even married to him without his initial knowledge, similar to a yibum performed without consent.
Why is it important to emphasize that the bond between a man and a woman, valid according to Torah law, is based on a natural connection that preceded it? One of the fundamental principles of natural morality, which applies to all of humanity, is fidelity, primarily expressed through the sanctity and preservation of the covenant between husband and wife. Therefore, among the attributes of the heart, fidelity belongs to the sefirah of yesod (foundation) —the power of establishing a covenant. A covenant, by definition, is a connection that transcends reason and understanding—a commitment by the couple to maintain their bond of love even if the logical reasons for doing so may fade over time.
This fidelity can be established during a period when the relationship is entirely natural, beyond even the reason and understanding provided by Torah, when the young man and woman are truly free to decide to pursue a different relationship—yet they choose to remain loyal to one another until they can fulfill their love through the eternal building of a Torah-based marriage. This natural loyalty, stemming from the pre-marital connection, even after it is sanctified and receives the validity of Torah in marriage, remains the eternal foundation of married life.
