On the 16th of Cheshvan, a group of seasoned Breslov ba’alei teshuvah met with HaRav Ginsburgh to discuss matters relating to raising children as the second generation of ba’alei teshuvah. The Rav has met with such groups in the past and the dialogue always proves to be interesting and insightful, with points of interest for every person, whether they identify as a ba’al teshuvah or as a Breslover, or not.
The dialogue first appeared in print in Hebrew in the Vayishlach 5786 edition of Nifla’ot.
Question: Children who are second-generation ba’alei teshuva (returnees to Judaism) sometimes grow up between two worlds. How should they be educated so that they feel whole in their Haredi identity, without a sense of detachment from the past?
Answer: A ba’al teshuvah is a new person, not who they were, as explained by Maimonides.[1] On the one hand, they remember the past well, and even extract the holy sparks from it—everything that can help them in the service of God. But on the other hand, they are no longer identified with the past at all. Consequently, they educate their children purely according to the place where they are in the present.
Q: What is the correct way to instill self-confidence and a genuine sense of belonging within Haredi society in the children of ba’alei teshuvah? Is this even necessary?
A: In general, there is no need to make an issue out of integrating into Haredi society (but see below regarding the external aspect of the matter). Self-confidence stems from the child seeing a father and mother who are joyful in their service of God, and most importantly acting as shluchim, i.e., emissaries for the Jewish people, whose mission is to bring the heart of Jews closer to our Father in Heaven, with pleasantness and the special sensitivity that a ba’al teshuvah possesses, even more so than the person born orthodox. A ba’al teshuvah must recognize this advantage and project it to their children, thereby instilling in them confidence in the merit that Divine Providence has granted them.
Q: Do second-generation ba’alei teshuvah need their own schools, or is it better to integrate them into established Haredi institutions as much as possible? Additionally, is it advisable to cultivate a connection with ba’alei teshuvah communities, or is there a concern that this might strengthen a unique identity instead of integrating into the general public?
A: They definitely do not need separate frameworks since “All of Israel are friends.”[2]
Indeed, it is always worthwhile to have true friends in matters of the service of God—friends who also understand and identify with the place where you are and the place from which you came, but it is incorrect to separate and turn this into separate communities. The main thing is to integrate correctly and lead forward without feelings of inferiority.
Q: How should one deal with situations where children feel different from their friends because of their family background?
A: One should ignore this feeling. The main thing is to set your sights forward, “their gaze is forward”[3] – we are not here for small matters, we are here for great things. The moment children see a child with a broad perspective, who is proactive and engaged, it does not matter to them at all what background they come from—they defer to them. Children of ba’alei teshuvah are meant to be the leaders in society.
Q: Is it advisable to tell children the story of the parents' return to Judaism (teshuvah), and if so, what is the correct manner? Furthermore, how should parents deal with teenagers' questions about the gap between the family's past and their current Haredi life?
A: God brought the ba’al teshuvah from darkness to light—“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.”[4] Darkness is truly dark; one can’t clearly see what is happening in it, and therefore there isn't really anything to tell (i.e., this is the main point for the ba’al teshuvah themselves—not to identify with the period of darkness anymore, as mentioned above). To what can this be compared? To someone who wakes up in the morning and feels that they just must describe some vain and empty dream they saw at night. There is no greater small-mindedness than this.
Q: What is the message the parents should convey to their children so that they feel they are continuing an ancient chain and are not 'starting from scratch'?
A: No Jew “starts from scratch.” The chain for all of us begins with the blessed Creator of the world, for “there is nothing besides Him.”[5] Indeed, some have the merit of ancestors from closer generations, but the ba’al teshuvah also has his or her own lineage, as in the well-known stories[6] of several tzaddikim who did not have a family pedigree, and that was precisely their true lineage—that they emerged from darkness to light.
Q: How can one ensure that the second generation does not feel marginalized but rather an integral part of Haredi society? And in general, many ba’alei teshuvah experience a lack of self-confidence or feelings of inferiority compared to veteran Haredim. What is the main advice for strengthening internal fortitude?
A: As will be explained, regarding external matters, it is incorrect to be overly conspicuous, and one should adopt the good social patterns of the environment in which you have decided to live and raise your children. On the other hand, regarding the Torah’s inner dimension, the child should be brought to identify and be joyous with the place his parents are in and are proactive, engaged, and influential, as mentioned above.
Q: How can one maintain a balance between spiritual enthusiasm and long-term stability in the service of God?
A: In the language of the sages,[7] this is known as the balance between that which is more frequent (tadir) and that which is more consecrated/holy (mekudash, which also means “blazing fire”[8]). In Chasidic literature[9] this is referred to as the balance between lights of chaos (the “holy”) and the vessels of tikkun (the “frequent”). This balance should be divided into two parts: conduct and goal.
Naturally, the goal is to reach a state wherein the lights of chaos are contained constantly within vessels of tikkun. This would be a state in which that which is frequent (or regular)—the normal—is itself holy and full of blazing fire. In other words, we would reach a state in which our daily and stable service of God is full of genuine spiritual excitement. That is the goal.
But when it comes to our daily conduct until we reach this lofty goal, in the not yet ideal state, which is more important? In the Talmud, the sages rule that in practice the tadir—i.e., the frequent and normal—takes precedence. This is how the actual conduct should also be, emphasizing stability and long-term building in the service of God. Momentary enthusiasm can elevate a person and illuminate their service of God, but without the rectified normal vessels of tikkun, without stability, its effect might completely vanish (and even eventually lead to a worse deterioration).
The very entry into the service of God is certainly accompanied by spiritual enthusiasm, but after one has firmly planted both feet within the boundary of holiness, the focus must mainly be on spiritual stability. In line with other concepts—after the teshuvah out of love, which is the main teshuvah in our generation, one must also build within the soul a simple and natural fear of Heaven, which guides the new daily routines of the ba’al teshuvah.
Indeed, there are special times focused on “holiness” meant to preserve spiritual tension and charge routine life with enthusiasm. These include the times in the Jewish annual cycle, Shabbat and holidays, and special Chasidic dates that call for farbrengens. In addition, there are times when reality demands an exceptional action from a Jew (a type of “holiness”), some campaign dedicated to help others connect to teshuvah, special activity to rectify reality, or self-sacrifice to withstand a sudden trial. Ba’alei teshuvah, specifically, who have proven their ability to break routine and change, are sensitive to God's call to deviate from the frequent and act in a “holy” manner. The holy action instills enthusiasm in the frequent—the normal routine life—and requires us to constantly listen to God’s will thus adding healthy tension and sensitivity to the entire service of God.
Q: Some ba’alei teshuvah deal with tensions vis-à-vis family members who are currently not observant. What is the correct way to manage these relationships with love without compromising on principles?
A: In this matter, one must only act with a big picture perspective. Act calmly and out of genuine love for everyone, for “the words of the wise are heard [when spoken with] tranquility.”[10]
Following all the above, it is appropriate to add another important principle, even though it is entirely superficial, yet it is known that the exterior influences the interior, as the sages say, “If you go to a city, follow its customs.”[11]
One who comes to integrate into a new society, which is foreign to them, must learn, understand, and behave according to the codes of that society, whether they be customs, language, etc. From the Torah, we take our lead from the angels who came in the form of men to Abraham[12] and later to Lot,[13] and from the Writings and the sages, we have the description of Moses when he ascended to Heaven.[14]
For example, if a family of ba’alei teshuvah has chosen to join a Haredi community that still speaks Yiddish[15] (it might be either a Chasidic community or it might be a Litvish/Yeshivish community, particularly outside the Land of Israel), to properly integrate, they must learn the Yiddish language thoroughly, speaking at exactly the same level as everyone else. They should be able to joke with everyone specifically in Yiddish. Even at home, the husband and wife, even though both are ba’alei teshuvah, should speak and laugh, at least sometimes, in Yiddish. This starts, of course, with the parents, and as soon as the children learn Yiddish in cheider, they will immediately pick up the language and integrate completely with their friends there without any sense of inferiority.
For this purpose, it would be appropriate to establish special Ulpanim (language schools) for learning Yiddish and for speaking in the Holy Tongue (meaning the Ashkenazi pronunciation of Hebrew in study, prayer, and daily life). In those Ulpanim, the unique codes of each community and each segment of Haredi Judaism would also be taught.
All the above is universal advice, appropriate not only for integrating into a Yiddish-speaking Haredi society. For example, this is how the State of Israel was established, by founding Ulpanim for learning Modern Hebrew. Likewise, Jews who immigrated to America from Europe immediately became proficient in the English language, most of them at an even higher level than the locals (which unfortunately also led to assimilation).
Naturally, everything depends on the specific society and its customs. In Chabad communities, for example, Yiddish is less essential (nevertheless, not knowing Yiddish is treated as a deficiency and differentiates between veterans and those who have recently joined), and certainly in the Religious Zionist society, where it is not necessary at all.
Q: Finally, what is the central message that the Rabbi would like to convey to ba’alei teshuvah and their children to strengthen them in their life journey and give them a sense of mission?
A: As we have explained, one must be wise with a proactive and broad perspective (rosh gadol) in all matters, whether it be regarding oneself and one’s actions, regarding the relationship with the current environment, or regarding the connection with the family. At the same time, one must remain true to one’s own deepest realizations and decisions and not allow oneself to be swept along by everyone else, thereby losing one’s authenticity. Consequently, the goal is to be an earnest individual, like Jacob, who despite being an earnest man himself was able to stand fast even when facing the deceitful Laban. A ba’al teshuvah who remains small-minded (rosh katan) has somewhat missed the entire point of becoming a ba’al teshuvah, which is a shame.
Of course, the overarching principle must be that all that you do should be in the manner of “Serve God with joy.”[16] Children of such ba’alei teshuvah, will eventually become the leaders in the classroom and in society, until we merit the fulfillment of the goal that “ba’alei teshuvah [specifically] will rule the land”[17] with the coming of the righteous redeemer speedily in our days, Amen.
[1]. Hilchot Teshuvah 2:4.
[2]. Midrash Tehillim, Psalm 22.
[3]. Habakkuk 1:9.
[4]. Isaiah 9:1.
[5]. Tanya, Sha’ar HaYichud VehaEmunah, ch. 3 (based on Isaiah 45:6).
[6]. See Be’er HaChassidut: Galicia and Hungary (Steinman) pages 54-55. Yalkut Sasson VeSimchah (Bnei Brak 2014), p. 21.
[7]. Zevachim 90b and elsewhere. See Mei HaShiloach, Mishpatim s.v. Reishit Bikurei Admatcha.
[8]. Kiddushin 56b.
[9]. See Lubavitcher Rebbe’s discourse of 28 Nissan 5751.
[10]. Ecclesiastes 9:17. See also Likutei Moharan 1:1 for the secret of tranquility.
[11]. Shemot Rabbah 47:5.
[12]. Bava Metzia 86b (cited in Rashi on Genesis 18:1-2).
[13]. Genesis 19:1.
[14]. See Alsheich on Psalms 78:25.
[15]. There is a tradition in the name of the Ba’al Shem Tov that Yiddish should be spoken until the coming of the righteous redeemer
[16]. Psalms 100:2.
[17]. See class of 3 Elul 5773, ch. 3.
