One of the many mitzvot in parshat Mishpatim dictates the husband’s obligation to provide his wife with three things: food, clothing, and marital relations.[1] The fact that the Torah obligates the husband to provide his wife with marital intimacy was as revolutionary in its time as it is today. Contrary to most, if not all, other cultures, the Torah considers sexuality in the context of marriage as primarily a man’s responsibility to his wife. Taking this one step further, the Oral Torah notes that the man should not just go through the motions in a perfunctory fashion; he must also place his wife’s pleasure before his own.
This approach certainly departs radically from the crass and degrading treatment of women as sexual objects pervading many cultures around the world, especially in the subtle and not so subtle use of female sexuality in contemporary mass media and especially advertising. The Torah outlook is diametrically opposed to these prevailing practices and absolutely rejects the crude use of women and degradation of sexuality.
The expression of sexuality within the appropriate marital framework is seen by Judaism as a holy act, bringing together husband and wife in the most intimate and spiritual manner. Although a wife is also obligated to provide her husband with marital intimacy and pleasure, the Torah emphasizes, and enshrines in law, that it is first and foremost a husband’s obligation to his wife.
The Foundation of Marital Relations
Towards the end of parashat Metzora, the basic laws relating to menstruation and the requirement that a couple refrain from intimacy during that time are detailed.[2] These laws, known as the laws of family purity, dictate the rhythm and cycle of marital relations and are considered the foundation of Jewish married life and a Jewish home. Kabbalah associates sexuality and by corollary the laws of family purity with the sefirah of foundation, thus intimating that they are the foundation upon which a Jewish home is built. Although the importance of these laws cannot be fully elaborated in this short article, we would like to briefly share two of their fundamental rationales.
Firstly, by creating a cycle wherein physical intimacy between husband and wife is permitted at specific times and forbidden at others, a multidimensional relationship is established. By restricting physical intimacy, the laws of family purity provide the space for other facets of the relationship to develop more fully. The following verse in Song of Songs poetically touches on these various levels of emotional and intellectual attachment between husband and wife:
I am asleep, but my heart is awake! A sound! My beloved knocks! [He said] “Open [your heart] to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is filled with dew and my locks with the drops of night.”[3]
This moving and complex verse includes a masterly described range of emotional and cerebral connections between husband and wife. “My sister” relates to the deep friendship that should exist between married couples. “My love” represents the fiery, intimate attraction indispensable to a healthy marriage. “My dove” symbolizes the intellectual compatibility individuals require to communicate. “My perfect one” relates to the deep spiritual and mystical soul mate connection rooted deep in a couple’s souls.
Secondly, the obligation to refrain from intimacy by remaining physically separate for a certain period of time every month has the paradoxical effect of enhancing the intimate passion between husband and wife. Sexual boredom and loss of passion have disastrous effects on a marriage. Although not always discussed openly or identified as the real problem in a marriage, this reality subtly and unconsciously undermines and destroys many marital relationships. The monthly cycle of closeness and separation does wonders for rekindling love and passion within a marriage. Even secular psychologists are beginning to realize this, and professionals are finally utilizing the inner wisdom of these God-given laws to heal broken relationships.
Submission, Separation, and Sweetening
One of the cardinal teachings of the Ba’al Shem Tov is that every process, whether material or spiritual, progresses through three stages: submission (hachna’ah), separation (havdalah), and sweetening (hamtakah).[4] This three-stage model can be applied to virtually any circumstance, whether in the material world or the realm of the soul and spiritual advancement. First let us describe in brief these three stages.
The first stage of submission, involves submitting one’s will, time, energy, and sincerity to God. This stage requires dedication and the resolve to recognize that we are lacking and cannot fully rectify or satisfy our own needs except by turning to God. Emotionally and psychologically, submission entails true humility and a tempering of the ego.
The second stage, separation, involves identifying and connecting with the positive aspects in ourselves, while discerning what will help complete the task and what will distract from it. Whether it is a short-term or long-term project, it will involve making constant decisions that will practically help separate the essential from the extraneous for the success of the endeavor.
The final stage, sweetening, reflects being satisfied and joyous with accomplishing one’s goals. This should then lead to acknowledging and praising God for the strength and assistance along the way. Recognizing God's ongoing support brings true joy and sweetness to any experience.
We will now take this three-stage paradigm and apply it to the laws of family purity.[5]
Submission, Separation and Sweetening in the Laws of Family Purity
When a woman begins menstruating, she and her husband must separate immediately, regardless of any previous plans. This first stage is called “days of seeing” (yemei re’iyah, יְמֵי רְאִיָּה). This initial stage lasts approximately five days until the flow of menstrual blood completely ceases. This separation entails not only an act of true submission to God who gave the laws of family purity, they also involve a deep psychological and emotional state of existential humility, an admission that we alone are unable to mend the physical gap that menstruation has opened between us and caused us to “fall” from marital intimacy. Indeed, submission is always softened by the knowledge that the distance is a temporary state and will ultimately reveal itself as serving a higher purpose. This stage concludes with a physical examination to ensure that the menstrual flow has stopped called “pause for purity” (hefsek taharah, הֶפְסֵק טָהֳרָה).
The second stage of separation, referred to as the “seven days of cleanliness” (shivah nekiyim, שִׁבְעָה נְקִיִּים) begins at the cessation of the menstrual flow and continues for seven days. During this time, the couple refrains from all physical contact, a stage of literal physical separation. Despite physical separation, the couple is encouraged to enhance their relationship intellectually and emotionally, as discussed above. At the end of these seven days, the woman immerses in a mikveh, a ritual bath.
The third and final stage, sweetening, is known as “days of purity” (yemei taharah, יְמֵי טָהֳרָה) begins when the couple reunites, experiencing the joy and renewal of being together again, much like a bride and groom on their wedding night. This culminating stage of sweetening usually lasts for approximately eighteen days, the gematria of the word life, chai (חַי).
The cycle of the laws of family purity described keep a marital relationship fresh and prevents the common issue of couples becoming tired of each other sexually over time. The laws of family purity ensure that the relationship remains vibrant. In a world where relationships often begin with sexual attraction, which can become stale, these laws provide a structure that fosters ongoing renewal and intimacy. Mikvah night becomes a time of celebration and connection, reinforcing the bond between husband and wife.
As we have seen, the detailed explanation of the stages in the laws of family purity exactly fit the Ba’al Shem Tov’s teaching about the three stages of all physical and spiritual processes: submission, separation and sweetening. The application of the laws of family purity in both their physical and spiritual sense highlights the profound wisdom of this practice. Submission, separation, and sweetening not only maintain the relationship's freshness but also deepen the spiritual connection between husband and wife.
Inter-inclusion
A fundamental principle used in Kabbalah and Chasidut is “inter-inclusion,” which posits that when an object or an idea is fully mature, it will reflect all its parts in each of its aspects. In our case, since the model we have been using is composed of three parts: submission, separation, and sweetening, in its mature form it will contain 9 parts: the submission of submission, the separation of submission, and the sweetening of submission, and so on. Let us see how our inter-included model applies to the laws of family purity:
Submission within Submission: The first appearance of the menstrual flow brings submission to the laws of family purity and a feeling of existential humility.
Separation within Submission: The laws of separation between husband and wife come into immediate effect, along with the knowledge that it is a temporary situation for a higher purpose.
Sweetening within Submission: After the cessation of the menstrual flow and its confirmation by a hefsek taharah, the couple looks forward in anticipation to a renewal of intimacy.
Submission within Separation: A woman at this stage of the “clean days” checks herself daily, submitting to the laws of family purity to make sure she is without a flow of blood. This preserves a certain state of existential humility.
Separation within Separation: Despite a growing arousal of anticipation the couple maintain clear borders of separation.
Sweetening within Separation: The stage of separation is concluded, and the woman immerses in the mikveh, a true experience of sweetening.
Submission within Sweetening: Now the couple may reunite, nonetheless marital intimacy still requires a certain attitude of modest conduct as required by Jewish law. Submission to these guidelines ensures that the marital act takes place in a context of spiritual ambience and purity.
Separation within Sweetening: During relations we are taught the importance of holy and proper thoughts. A couple must refrain or separate inappropriate thoughts fueled solely by raw animalistic desire and passion from their minds.
Sweetening within Sweetening: The joy and closeness engendered by renewed intimate relations is the true sweetening—the goal of the entire process. Not only is this joy shared by husband and wife but also brings the couple closer to God, the “third partner” in any healthy Jewish marriage.
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[1]. Exodus 21:10.
[2]. Leviticus 19:15-24.
[3]. Song of Songs 5:2.
[4]. Keter Shem Tov (Kehot edition) 28.
[5]. The ideas presented for the rest of this essay are found in Mystery of Marriage, chapter 12.
