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Q&A: Unattractive Wife?

Question: My wife and I have been married for a number of years and we have two beautiful children. My problem is that I do not find my wife attractive anymore. She has put on some weight and in many ways, has “let herself go.” This bothers me.  How can I look at my wife positively?


Answer: After marriage one must remove his thoughts totally from negativity concerning his/her partner's attractiveness. Even more so, through concentrated contemplation one should awaken within himself physical attraction toward his partner, for as we know, "the mind controls the heart." This is the advice of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

Believe that through God’s Divine Providence, this is your rectification. Concentrate on feeling great joy and thanks to God [in the language of Kabbalah, understanding reaches down until thanksgiving, meaning that the sefirah of understanding, whose inner experience is joy, extends to the sefirah of thanksgiving, or hod. This translates into the following practical advice: thank God for all the good that He has done with you by giving you the opportunity to build a joyous home and family committed to God’s Torah and this itself will affect your ability to see your wife’s beauty.

Image By dann toliver – Flickr: Hasidic silhouette, CC BY 2.0,

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